Want to know why gmail sucks? Because Life247 is taken. So I need to come up with a new email address. But not Life247.
Any suggestions?
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FROM http://halvet-i-ruhiye.stumbleupon.com/
” i have nothing to say and i am saying it”
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FROM http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/242.html
=====Steven Wright’s Stuff – part 1
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Is “tired old cliche” one?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said, ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, “Up Over” ?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’
I’d like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It’s called, ‘They’ll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away ‘Cause I’m Not Raking ‘Til Spring.’
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.
I have an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.
I knew a guy who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
=====Steven Wright’s Stuff – part 2
Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget
How do you get off of a non-stop flight?
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?
I’m at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.
When you’re in school, and there’s a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, ‘Give me two boys and a girl.’
Why don’t they just make mouse flavored cat food?
I’m a peripheral visionary. I see far into the future…. Just way off to one side.
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people who were here last year”.
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘Breakfast At Any Time.’ So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
My friend got arrested for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang ‘Happy Birthday’.
If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays ‘Helter Skelter’.
=====Steven Wright’s Stuff – part 3
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don’t know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? [He'd incorrectly break the ice.]
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is?
How can there be self-help ‘groups’?
My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it. So I’m going to move to New York.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall? [Good one]
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… Eventually.
If you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, was it a joke? [Good]
How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.
–=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
FROM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYffXv7jMYQ
He’s afraid to go to sleep in case he dreams he’s in a coma and wakes up unconscious…..
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I’ve never fallen asleep driving, but I’ve woken up driving before.
I’m writing a short story about a photographer who goes completely insane trying to take a close up picture of the horizon.
My friend goes, “Oh, those people are going to die instantly.” Well, everybody dies instantly. It’s the only way you can die. You’re alive, you’re alive, you’re alive, then you’re dead. He says, “There not going to die of natural causes.” I said, “They’re getting hit by a train. Naturally, they’re gonna die.”
My grandmother once gave me ten dollars and told me, “Don’t tell your mother about this.” I said, “It’ll cost you more than that.”
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything cause he’s not sure what I threw him.
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FROM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IueXtzdC6kA
Mitch Hedberg (the dosipede) (saved by the buoyancy of citrus)
I’m staying at a hotel with no 13th floor because of the superstition, but hey, come on people on the 14th floor; you know which floor you’re really on.
I was gonna stay over at my friend’s house and he told me I was gonna have to sleep on the floor. D*mn gravity. Got me again. You don’t know how much I wanted to sleep on the wall.
I bought a house. A two bedroom house. But it’s up to me to decide how many bedrooms they’re are, isn’t it? This bedroom has an oven in it. [badroom, bedroom, bidroom, bodroom, budroom] …This bedroom is AKA a hallway.
When I was a child I’d lay in my twin-size bed wondering where my brother was.
I was at a convenience store reading a magazine, and the clerk says, “This is not a library.” So I say. “OK then, I’ll talk louder.”
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FROM http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMk7Cdykhzw&mode=related&search=
Mitch Hedberg
I saw a commercial that said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers,” so I did. And it was a load of my mind.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or is it a really cool appatamus? [a mediocrepotamus]
Know what’d be cool? To be a drummer and instead of grabbing drum sticks you’d grab a pair of magic wands. So you’re pounding out the beat and the next thing you know your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Hey if you can’t sleep count sheep. Because if you count endangered animals you’ll run out.
I was watching a TV show about a woman born with no arms. And it said, “Lola does not understand the meaning of the word ‘can’t’.” And that to me was actually worse in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions.
